Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance,, and arouses resentment.

B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior.

Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself…

Theodore Roosevelt said that when he, as President, was confronted with a perplexing problem, he used to lean back and look up at a large painting of Lincoln which hung above his desk in the White House and ask himself, “What would Lincoln do if he were in my shoes? How would he solve this problem?”

Do you know someone you would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others…

Benjamin Franklin… The secret of his success? “I will speak ill of no man,” he said, “… and speak all the good I know of everybody.”

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain — and most fools do.

But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.

“A great man shows his greatness,” said Charlyle, “by the way he treats little men.”

Principle 1 – Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.

There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. And that is by making the other person want to do it.

Remember, there is no other way.

… “the desire to be great.” … “desire to be important.”

“Everybody likes a compliment.” William James said: “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

Here is a gnawing and unfaltering human hunger, and the rare individual who honestly satisfies this heart hunger will hold people in the palm of his or her hand and “even the undertaker will be sorry when he dies.”

If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character.

If some people are so hungry for a feeling of importance that they actually go insane to get it, imagine what miracle you and I can achieve by giving people honest appreciation this side of insanity.

“I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.”

“There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise by loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise.”

…But what do average people do? The exact opposite. If they don’t like a thing, they bawl out their subordinates; if they do like it, they say nothing.

Carnegie praised his associates publicly as well as privately.

Sincere appreciation was one of the secrets of the first John D. Rockefeller’s success in handling men.

We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them.

I realized the power of appreciation.

I know, as you know, people who would think they had committed a crime if they let their families or employees go for six days without food; but they will let them go for six days, and six weeks, and sometimes sixty years without giving them the hearty appreciation that they crave almost as much as they crave food.

Sincere appreciation would change a person’s life.

Of course flattery seldom works with discerning people. It is shallow, selfish and insincere. It ought to fail and it usually does. True some people are so hungry, so thirsty, for appreciation that they will shallow anything, just as a starving man will eat grass and fishworms.

In the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you in trouble if you pass it to someone else.

The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned.

“Don’t be afraid of enemies who attack you. Be afraid of the friends who flatter you.”

“Teach me neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise.” That’s all flattery is — cheap praise.

When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we won’t have to result to flattery…

One of the most neglected virtues of our family existence is appreciation.

In our interpersonal relationships we should never forget all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is legal tender that al souls enjoy.

Hurting people not only does not change them, it is never called for.

I shall pass this way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me know defer not neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

Let’s cease thinking of our accomplishments, our wants. Let’s try to figure out the other person’s good points. Then forget flattery. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise,” and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime…

Principle 2 – Give honest and sincere appreciation.

I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I thought about what they wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangled a worm or a grasshopper in front of the fish and said: “Wouldn’t you like to have that?”

So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.

… the best piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders, whether in business, in the home, in the school, in politics, is: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

… the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what the other person wants.

Tomorrow you may want to persuade somebody to do something. Before you speak, pause and ask yourself: “How can I make this person want to do it?”

I talked all the time about what the other person wanted and how he could get it.

“If there is any one secret of success,” said Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”

“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”

Dear Sir:

My ten years of bank experience should be of interest to a rapidly growing bank like yours.

In various capacities in bank operations with the Bankers Trust Company in New York, leading to my present assignment as Branch Manager, I have acquired skills in all phases of banking including depositor relations, credits, loans and administration.

I will be relocating to Phoenix in May and I am sure I can contribute to your growth and profit. I will be in Phoenix the week of April 3 and would appreciate the opportunity to show you how I can help your bank meet its goals.

Sincerely,

Barbara L. Anderson

Do you think Mrs. Anderson received any response from that letter? Eleven of the twelve banks invited her to be interviewed, and she had a choice of which bank’s offer to accept. Why? Mrs. Anderson did not state what she wanted, but wrote in the letter how she could help them, and caused on their wants, not her own.

Thousands of salespeople are pounding the pavements today, tired, discouraged and underpaid. Why? Because they are always thinking only of what they want. They don’t realize that neither you nor I want to buy anything. If we did, we would go out and buy it. But both of us are eternally interested in solving our problems. And if salespeople can show us how their services or merchandise will help us solve our problems, they won’t need to sell us. We’ll buy. And customers like to feel that they are buying — not being sold.

The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve other has an enormous advantage.

“People who can put themselves in the place of other people, who can understand the workings of their minds, need never worry about what the future has in store for them.”

Looking at the other person’s point of view and arousing in him an eager want for something is not to be constructed as manipulating that person so that he will do something that is only for your benefit and his detriment. Each party should gain from the negotiation.

First, arrows in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.

William Winter once remarked that “self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature.” Why can’t we adapt this sam psychology to business dealings? When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard is as their own; they will like it and maybe eat a couple of helpings of it.

Remember: “First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.”

Principle 3 – Arouse in the other person an eager want.

Why read this book to find out how to win friends? Why not study the technique of the greatest winner of friends the world has ever known? Who is he? You may meet him tomorrow coming down the street. When you get within ten feet of him, he will begin to wag his tail. If you stop and pat him, he will almost jump out of his skin to show you how much he likes you. And you know that behind this show of affection on his part, there are no ulterior motives: he doesn’t want to sell you any real estate, and he doesn’t want to marry you.

Did you ever stop to think that a dog is the only animal that doesn’t have to work for a living? A hen has to lay eggs, a cow has to give milk, and a canary has to sing. But a dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.

It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. If is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.

“I am grateful because these people come to see me. They make it possible for me to make my living in a very agreeable way. I’m going to give them the very best I possibly can.”

“I love my audience. I love my audience.”

I never forgot that to be genuinely interested in other people is a most important quality for a salesperson to possess — for any person, for that matter.”

I have discovered from personal experience for that one can win the attention and time and cooperation of even the most sought-after people by becoming genuinely interested in them. Let me illustrate.

Years ago I conducted a course in fiction writing at the Brooklyn Institute of Arts and Sciences, and we wanted such distinguished and busy authors as Kathleen Norris, Fannie Hurst, Ida Tarbell, Albert Payson Terhune and Robert Hughes to come to Brooklyn and give us the benefit of their experiences. So we wrote them, saying we admired their work and were deeply interested in getting they advice and learning the secrets of their success.

Each of these letters was signed by about a hundred and fifty students. We said we realized that these authors were busy — too busy to prepare a lecture. So we enclosed a list of questions for them to answer about themselves and they methods of work. They liked that. Who wouldn’t like it? So they left their homes and traveled to Brooklyn to give us a helping hand.

If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people — things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.

If we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm.

He feels that the chain store is rendering a real service to humanity. He is proud of what he is doing for hundreds of communities. His eyes fairly glowed as he talked, and I must confess that he opened my eyes to things I had never even dreamed of. He changed my whole mental attitude.

To me that was almost a miracle. Here he was offering to buy fuel without my even suggesting it. I had made more headway in two hours by becoming genuinely interested in him and his problems than I could have made in ten years trying to get him interested in me and my product.

“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”

A show of interest, as with every other principal of human relations, must be sincere. It must pay off not only for the person showing the interest, but for the person receiving the attention. It is a two-way street — both parties benefit.

Principal 1 – Become genuinely interested in other people.

The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back.

Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.”

That is why dogs make such a hit. They are so glad to see us that they almost jump out of their skins. So, naturally, we are glad to see them.

An insecure grin? No. That doesn’t fool anybody. We know it is mechanical and we resent it. I am talking about a real smile, a heartwarming smile, a smile that comes from within, the kind of smile that will bring a good price in the marketplace.

“People who smiles,” he said, “tend to manage, teach and sell more effectively, and to raise happier children. There’s far more information in a smile than a frown. That’s why encouragement is a much more effective teaching device than punishment.”

Smile when talking on the phone. Your “smile” comes through your voice.

People rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing it.

You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.

“I have also eliminated criticism from my system. I give appreciation and praise now instead of condemnation. I have stopped talking about what I want. I am now trying to see the other person’s viewpoint.”

You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or him a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and what will tend to make you happy.

“Actions seem to follow feeling, but really actions and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.

Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerful and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there…”

Everybody in the world is seeking happiness — and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.

“There is nothing either good or bad,” said Shakespeare, “but thinking makes it so.”

Abe Lincoln once remarked that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”

Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and the, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual… Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude — the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown on your high head. We are gods in the chrysalis.

Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it.

It costs nothing, but creates much.

It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give.

It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever.

None are so rich they can get along without it, and non so poor but are richer for its benefits.

It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends.

It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble.

Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away.

Principle 2 – Smile

I once interviewed Jim Farley and asked him the secret of his success. He said, “Hard work,” and I said, “Don’t be funny.”

He then asked me what I thought was the reason for his success. I replied, “I understand you can call ten thousand people by their first names.”

“No. You are wrong,” he said. “I can call fifty thousand people by their first names.”

Whenever he met a new acquaintance, he found out his or her complete name and some facts about his or her family, business and political opinions. He fixed all these facts well in mind as part of the picture, and the next time he met that person, even if it was a year later, he was able to shake hands, inquire after the family, and ask about the hollyhocks in the backyard. No wonder he developed a following!

The average person is more interested in his or her own name than in all the others names on earth put together. Remember that name and call it easily, and you have paid a subtle and very effective compliment. But forget it or misspell it — and you have placed yourself at a sharp disadvantage.

Sometime it is difficult to remember a name, particularly if it is hard to pronounce.

He soon had a whole nest of little rabbits — and nothing to feed them. But he had a brilliant idea. He told the boys and girls in the neighborhood that if they would go out and pull enough clover and dandelions to feed the rabbits, he would name the bunnies in their honor.

The plan worked like magic, and Carnegie never forgot it.

Years later, he made millions by using the same psychology in business.

Then Carnegie expressed what he had on his mind — a merger of their two interests. He pictured in glowing terms the mutual advantages of working with, instead of against, each other. Pullman listened attentively, but he was not wholly convinced. Finally he asked, “What would you call the new company?” and Carnegie replied promptly: “Why, the Pullman Palace Car Company, of course.”

Pullman’s face brightened. “Come into my room,” he said. “Let’s talk this over.” That talk made industrial history.

This policy of remembering and honoring the names of his friends and business associates was one of the secrets of Andrew Carnegie’s leadership.

Benton Love, chairman of Texas Commerce Bancshares, believes the the bigger a corporation gets, the colder it becomes. “One way to warm it up,” he said, “is to remember people’s names. The executive who tells me he can’t remember names is at the same time telling me he can’t remember a significant part of his business and is operating on quicksand.”

Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds.

Franklin D. Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important.

One of the first lessons a politician learns is this: “To recall a voter’s name is statesmanship. To forget it is oblivion.”

And the ability to remember names is almost as important in business and social contacts as it is in politics.

If he didn’t hear the name distinctly, he said, “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it spelled?”

During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the person’s features, expression and general appearance.

If the person was someone of importance, Napoleon went to even further pains. As soon as His Royal Highness was alone, he wrote the name down on a piece of paper, looked at it, concentrated on it, fixed it securely in his mind, and then tore up the paper. In this way, he gained an eye impression of the name as well as an ear impression.

All this takes time, but “Good manners,” said Emerson, “are made up of petty sacrifices.”

We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing… and nobody else. The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others. The information we are imparting or the request we are making takes on a special importance when we approach the situation with the name of the individual. From the waitress to the senior executive, the name will work magic as we deal with others.

Principal 3 – Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

All she wanted was an interested listener, so she could expand her ego and tell about where she had been.

Was she unusual? No. Many people are like that.

I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interested. And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone.

“Few humans beings are proof against the implied flattery of rapt attention.”

I had him thinking of me as a good conversationalist when, in reality, I had been merely a good listener and had encouraged him to talk.

Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.

Listening was not mere silence, but a form of activity.

… hearing with his eyes as well as his ears.

Listening is just as important is one’s home life as in the world of business.

The most violent critic, will frequently soften and be subdued in the presence of a patient, sympathetic listener — a listener who will be silent while the irate fault-finder dilates like a king cobra and spews the poison out of his system.

He read the lives of famous people and wrote them asking for additional information about their childhoods. He was a good listener. He asked famous people to tell him more about themselves.

Many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively.

Very important people have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.

If you want to know how to make people shun you and laugh at you behind your back and even despise you, here is the recipe: Never listen to anyone for long. Talk incessantly about yourself. If you have an idea while the other person is talking, don’t wait for him or her to finish: bust right in and interrupt in the middle of a sentence.

So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

Principal 4 – Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was particularly interested.

The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.

“Because he is a gentleman. He saw you were interested in boats, and he talked about the things he knew would interest and please you. He made himself agreeable.”

I wanted the president of one of the largest corporations in America to pay the expenses of one of my boys for the trip.

Yet I know if I hadn’t found out what he was interested in, and got him warmed up first, I wouldn’t have found him one-tenth as easy to approach.

Think of it! I had been drumming at that man for four years — trying to get his business — and I’d still be drumming at him if I hadn’t finally taken the trouble to find out what he was interested in, and what he enjoyed talking about.

Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties.

That he not only received a different reward from each person but that in general the reward had been an enlargement of his life each time he spoke to someone.

Principal 5 – Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

What is there about him that I can honestly admire?

Always make the other person feel important … The desire to feel important is the deepest urge in human nature.

“The deepest principal in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”

“Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.”

All the time, everywhere.

Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to ___?” “Won’t you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you” — Little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life — and, incidentally, they are the hallmark of good breeding.

Who knows — he might have died poor and unknown had he not written an essay expressing his admiration for a famous man.

The life of many a person could probably be changed if only someone would make him feel important.

The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.

“Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.”

“Talk to people about themselves, and they will listen for hours.”

Principal 6 – Make the others person feel important — and do it sincerely.

Why prove to a man he is wrong? Is that going to make him like you? Why not let him save his face? He didn’t ask for your opinion. He didn’t want it.

There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument — and that is to avoid it. Avoid it as you would avoid rattlesnakes and earthquakes.

If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.

Here lies the body of William Jay,

Who died maintaining his right of way—

He was right, dead right, as he sped along,

But he’s just as dead as if he were wrong.

This tax inspector was demonstrating one of the most common of human frailties. He wanted a feeling of importance; and as long as Mr. Parsons argued with him, he got his feeling of importance by loudly asserting his authority. But as soon as his importance was admitted and the argument stopped and he was permitted to expand his ego, he became a sympathetic and kindly human being.

Buddha said: “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love,” and a misunderstanding is never ended by an argument but by tact, diplomacy, conciliation and a sympathetic desired to see the other person’s viewpoint.

Better give your path to a dog then be bitten by him contesting for the right.

How to keep a disagreement from becoming an argument:

• Welcome the disagreement. If there is some point you haven’t thought about, be thankful if it is brought to your attention. Perhaps this disagreement is your opportunity to be corrected before you make a serious mistake.
• Distrust your first instinctive impression. Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive. Be careful. Keep calm and watch out for your first reaction. It may be you at your worst, not your best.
• Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry.
• Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
• Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
• Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness.
• Promise to think over your opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Your opponents may be right.
• Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.

When one yells, the other should listen— because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations.

Principal 1 – The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

You can tell people they are wrong by a look or an intonation or a gesture just as eloquently as you can in words — and if you tell them they are wrong, do you make them want to agree with you? Never! For you have struck a direct blow at their intelligence, judgment, price and self-respect.

It is difficult, under even the most benign conditions, to change people’s minds. So why make it harder? Why handicap yourself?

If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it.

You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him to find it within himself.

Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.

One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing.

“I may be wrong. I frequently am.”

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.

I have found it of enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person. The way in which I have worded this statement may seem strange to you. Is it necessary to permit oneself to underwent another? I think it is. Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgment, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses some feeling, attitude or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel “that’s right,” or “that’s stupid,” “that’s abnormal,” “that’s unreasonable,” “that’s incorrect,” “that’s not nice.” Very rarely do we permit ourselves to underwent precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the person.

“I made it a rule,” said Franklin, “to forbear all direct contraction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix’d opinion, such as ‘certainly,’ ‘I apprehend,’ or ‘I imagine’…”

“…the president asked my opinion of him; he did not ask for his opinion of me.”

Don’t argue with your customer or your spouse or your advisory. Don’t tell them they are wrong, don’t get them stirred up. Use a little diplomacy.

Principal 2 – Show respect to the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

Instead of breaking lances with him, I admitted that he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong; I admitted it quickly, openly, and with enthusiasm. The affair terminated graciously in my taking his side and his taking my side.

If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from aline lips?

Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say — and say them before that person has a chance to say them.

My eagerness to criticize myself took all the fight out of him.

There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.

Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes — and most fools do.

When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong — and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves — let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.

“By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expect.”

Principal 3 – If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

“If you come at me with your fists doubled,” said Woodrow Wilson, “I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours…”

People don’t want to change their minds. They can’t be forced or driven to agree with you or me. But they may possibly be led to, if we are gentle and friendly, ever so gentle and ever so friendly.

“A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” So with men, if you would win a man to your cause, first convince him that you are his sincere friend.

“This may, perhaps, be worth thinking of…”

“Here are some fact that I trust you will not lose sight of…”

I read a fable about the sun and the wind. They quarreled about which was the stronger, and the wind said, “I’ll prove I am. See the old man down there with a coat? I bet I can get his car off him quicker than you can.”

So the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man clutched his coat to him.

Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man. Presently, he mopped his brow and pulled off his coat. The sun then told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force.

The sun can make you take off your coat more quickly than the wind; and kindliness, the friendly approach and appreciation can make people change their minds more readily than all the bluster and storming in the wold.

Remember what Lincoln said: “A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.”

Principal 4 – Begin in a friendly way.

In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ.

Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” a the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No.”

A “No” response, according to Professor Overstreet, is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said “No,” all your pride of personality that you remain consistent with yourself.

Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it. Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction.

The skillful speaker gets, at the outset, a number of “Yes” responses. This sets the psychological process of the listeners moving in the affirmative direction.

Get a student to say “No” at the beginning, or a customer, child, husband, or wife, and it takes the wisdom and the patience if angels to transform that bristling negative into an affirmative.

“I found that by getting him to say ‘yes, yes’ from the outset, he forgot the issue at stake and was happy to do all the things I suggested.”

Did he tell people they were wrong? Oh, no, not Socrates. His whole technique, now called the “Socratic method,” was based upon getting a “yes, yes” response. He asked questions with which his opponent would have to agree. He kept winning one admission after another until he had an armful of yeses. He kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.

The next time we are tempted to tell someone he or she is wrong, let’s remember old Socrates and ask a gentle question — a question that will get the “yes, yes” response.

“He who treads softly goes far.”

“He who treads softly goes far.”

Principal 5 – Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out. They know more about they business and problems than you do. So ask the questions. Let the tell you a few things.

If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression So listen patiently and with an open mind, Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.

Before he called, he spent hours in Wall Street finding out everything possible about the person who had founded the business.

Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early struggles.

He showed an interest in the other person and his problems. He encouraged the other person to do most of the talking — and made a favorable impression.

“If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.”

PrincIpal 6 – Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter? If so, isn’t it bad judgment to try to ram your opinions down the throats of other people? Isn’t is wiser to make suggestions — and let the other person think out the conclusion?

No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts.

“I realized why I had failed for years to sell him,” said Mr. Wesson. “I had urged him to buy what I thought he ought to have. Then I changed my approach completely. I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn’t have to sell him. He bought.”

“The reason why rivers and seas receive the montage of hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams.”

Principal 7 – Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise, tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that.

Try honestly to put yourself in his place.

“By becoming interested in the cause, we are less likely to dislike the effect.”

It never occurred to him that she enjoyed doing that work and she might really appreciated a compliment on her diligence.

“Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as imprint as your own. Starting your conversation by giving the other person the purpose or direction of your conversation, governing what you say by what you would want to hear if you were the listener, and accepting his or her view-point will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.”

Seeing things through another person’s eyes may ease tensions when personal problems become overwhelming.

Tomorrow, before asking anyone to put out a fire or buy your product or contribute to your charity, why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view? Ask yourself: “Why should he or she want to do it?” True, this will take time, but it will avoid making enemies and will get better results — and with less friction.

I would rather walk the sidewalks in front of a persons office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person — from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives — was likely to answer.

Principal 8 – Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively?

“I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”

Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.

So, because I had apologized and sympathized with her point of view, she began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view. I had the satisfaction of controlling my temper, the satisfaction of returning kindness for an insult.

“Sympathy the human species universally craves. The child eagerly displays his injury; or even inflicts a cut or bruise in order to reap abundant sympathy. For the same purpose adults… show their bruises, relate their accidents, illness, especially details of surgical operations. ‘Self-pity’ for misfortunes real or imaginary is, in some measure, practically a universal practice.”

So, if you want to win people to your way of thinking, put in practice…

Principal 9 – Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.

The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives. 

Did he say, “Please do not publish that picture of me any more; I don’t like it”? No, he appealed to a nobler motive. He appealed to the respect and love that all of us have for motherhood. He wrote, “Please do not publish that picture of me any more. My mother doesn’t like it.”

He didn’t say: “I don’t want their pictures published.” No, he appealed to the desire, deep in all of us, to refrain from harming children. He said: “You know how it is, boys. You’ve got children yourselves, some of you. And you know it’s not good for youngsters to get too much publicity.”

He did it by offering to send a check for a hundred dollars, not to her, but to her favorite charity.

Nothing will work in all cases—and nothing will work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment?

“Experience has taught me,” says Mr. Thomas, “that when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is insecure, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced they are correct. To put it differently and perhaps more clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The expectations to that comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair.”

Principle 10 – Appeal to the nobler motives.

This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. And you will have to do it if you want attention.

I wrote him a formal letter. I indicated in the letter that I fully understood how extremely busy he was all week, but it was important that I speak with him. I enclosed a form letter and a self-addressed envelope and asked him to please fill it out or ask his secretary to do it and return it to me. The form letter read as follows:

Ms. Wolf—I will be able to see you on ________ at ________ A.M./P.M. I will give you ________ minutes of my time.

Principal 11 – Dramatize your ideas.

“The way to get things done,” says Schwab, “is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.”

“All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory.”

The one major factor that motivated people was the work itself. If the work was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to doing it and was motivated to do a good job.

That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. That is what makes footraces and hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The desire for a feeling of importance.

Principal 12 – Throw down a challenge.

It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.

A barber lathers a man before he shaves him…

Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a grilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing. A leader will use…

Principal 1 – Begin with praise and honest appreciation.

Simply changing one three-letter word can ofter spell the difference between failure and success in changing people without giving offense or arousing resentment.

Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed bu the word “but” and ending with a critical statement. For example, in trying to change a child’s careless attitude toward studies, we might say, “We’re really proud of you, Johnnies, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better.

This could be easily overcome by changing the word “but” to “and”. “We’re really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and by continuing the same conscientious efforts next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the others.

An effective way to correct others’ mistakes is…

Principal 2 – Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.

It isn’t nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable.

Von Bülow knew that he ought to have praised before he condemned; but since that was too late, he did the next best thing. He praised after he had criticized. And it worked a miracle.

Admitting one’s own mistakes—even when on hasn’t corrected them—can help convince somebody to change his behavior.

A good leader follows this principal:

Principal 3 – Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.

He always gave suggestions, not orders.

Never said, for example, “Do this or do that,” or “Don’t do this or don’t do that.” He would say, “You might consider this,” or “Do you think that would work?” Frequently he would say, after he had dictated a letter, “What do you think of this?”

He always gave people the opportunity to do things themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them do them, let them learn from their mistakes.

A technique like that makes it easy for a person to correct errors. A technique like that saves a person’s pride and gives him or her feeling of importance. It encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.

An effective leader will use…

Principal 4 – Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.

Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important this is! And how few of us ever stop to think of it! We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own way, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting!

Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.

“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”

Principal 5 – Let the other person save face.

The moment a dog showed the slightest improvement, Pete patted and praised him and gave him meat and made a great to-do about it.

Why don’t we use meat instead of a whip? Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving.

“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit; we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm sunshine of praise.”

He specifically pointed out how his work was superior. Because he had singled out a specific accomplishment, rather than just making general flattering remarks, his praise became much more meaningful to the person to whom it was given. Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere—not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good.

Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery.

Let me repeat: The principals taught in this book will work only when they come from the heart. I am not advocating a bag of tricks. I am talking about a new way of life.

Compared with what we ought to be, we are only half awake. We are making use of only a small part of our physical and mental resources. Stating the thing broadly, the human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possesses powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use.

Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement.

Principal 6 – Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”

What do you do when a person who has been a good worker begins to turn in shoddy work? You can fire him or her, but that really doesn’t solve anything. You can berate the worker, but this usually causes resentment.

Instead of bawling him out or threatening him, Mr. Henke called him into his office and had a heart-to-heart talk with him.

With that reputation Mr. Henke had given him to live up to, how could he do anything else but turn out work comparable to that which he had done in the past.

“The average person can be led readily if you have his or her respect and if you show that you respect that person for some kind of ability.”

In short, if you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics. Shakespeare said, “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” And it might be well to assume and Tate openly that other people have the virtue you want them to develop. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and they will make prodigious efforts rather than see you disillusioned.

“Give a dog a bad name and you may as well hang him.” But give him a good name—and see what happens!

If you want to excel in that difficult leadership role of changing the attitude or behavior of others, use…

Principal 7 – Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.

That encouraged me. That gave me hope. That made me want to improve.

Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique—be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it—and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.

If you want to help others improve, remember…

Principal 8 – Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.

House practically told Bryan that he was too important for the job—and Bryan was satisfied.

Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

Gunter Schmidt, who took our course in West Germany, told of an employee in the food store he managed who was negligent about putting the proper price tags on the shelves where the items were displayed. This caused confusion and customer complaints. Reminders, admonitions, confrontation with her about this did not do much good. Finally, Mr. Schmidt called her into his office and told her he was appointing her Supervisor of Pride Tag Posting for the entire store and she would be responsible for keeping all of the shelves properly tagged. This new responsibility and title changed her attitude completely, and she fulfilled her duties satisfactorily from then on.

Childish? Perhaps.

This technique of giving titles and authority worked for Napoleon and it will work for you.

The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:

1. Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person.
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants. 
4. Consider the benefits to the other person’s wants.
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

“John, we have a job that should be completed right away. If it is done now, we won’t be faced with it later. I am bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities. I would like to show them the stockroom, but it is in poor shape. If you, could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, it would make us look efficient and you will have done your part to provide a good company image.”

Will John be happy about doin what you suggest? Probably not very happy, but happier than if you had not pointed out the benefits. Assuming you know that John has pride in the way his stockroom looks and is interested in contributing to the company image, he will be more likely to be cooperative. It also will have been pointed out to John that the job would have to be done eventually and by doing it now, he would be faced with it later.

Principal 9 – Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.